We drove down the road together in silence.
It was meant to be a last adventure together, an amicable parting of ways, a way of saying that maybe we’ll still see each other again in the future, even if we won’t be together. But of course it just didn’t feel right, it wasn’t comfortable: We were parting ways, and there is no good way to do that.
Break ups suck, and I couldn’t believe that so soon (well in my world) after having to go through the trauma of having the twisted one walk out of my life, here I was again.
As I thought of this, it brought a wry smile to my face to know that now it was me who kept what I wanted to say trapped inside, afraid that if the words left my mouth they would be unable to come out the way I would want them too, and in the end would probably just make an uncomfortable situation worse.
So I turned up the music instead, and, as we had so many times before, we listened to the music together searching out meaning in whatever lyrics came our way.
How do you say that you’ve just grown out of a relationship? that you need something more? that the history and the special times together are no longer enough and that you need more now?
Furthermore how do you say anything sincere when you’ve already moved on … Oh god … was that what I was … A cheat? God, I’d never thought of myself that way, but yes that is exactly what I was. A cheat. I’d already moved on. I’d replaced this relationship with a new one. I’d discarded nearly a decade together because I’d seen something shiny and new and I’d wanted it …
So all I could say was that it was over, even though my heart cried out to me that it wasn’t, it couldn’t be. I needed this relationship to end, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted it to end. Deep down, I just wanted everything to be all right again, I wanted things to be the way they were years ago.
But they weren’t. So by mutual agreement cut the trip short, turned around, drove home, got out and said goodbye. Just like that it was over.
We had the best adventures together, no one can ever take that from us and so let’s remember those good times, not the pain of parting …
I’ll miss you Suby, but it’s time for us to both move on.